The Hostess with the mostest

by Jeanne on February 7, 2007

in In my pantry

20070128_twinkierudefood First, my little phallic chiles (there’s a potential Googlewhack if ever I saw one!) and now this.  Anybody want to put two and two together (so to speak!) and guess what my this post is all about?

Let me start by saying that it’s a good thing that the preferences we have when we’re kids old aren’t the preferences that stay with us for life.   And I’m not limiting that statement to things like a hatred of Brussels sprouts or olives – oh no, I’m including all sorts of preferences.  Like my childhood penchant for ceramic cats.  Good grief, I would have had an entire house full of the damn things by now, all needing dusting!  (We won’t even discuss my collections of novelty erasers and writing paper!).  Or how much I loved Richard Clayderman with his floppy hair and his particularly successful brand of elevator music.  Or my heartfelt pleas to my father to buy me a pink Volkswagen Citigolf

But even before these, I had a long list of things I dearly desired, and this list was largely inspired by my obsessive reading of Archie and Richie Rich comics.  Anybody remember those?  Man, I loved them. At a time, South African kids were inundated with American comics – I graduated to Archie from my beloved Micky Mouse magazines – full of foreign concepts, like schools with lockers and plentiful television sets.  But even more fascinating to me were the advertisements for exotic foreign products featured in the back of the magazines.  Oh, how dearly I would have loved to own a bowl full of Sea Monkeys!  And oh, how I lusted after one bite of a Hostess Twinkie.  That golden sponge, that luscious cream filling – surely one bite would be enough to send me into culinary ecstasy?  But alas, the things we saw advertised were seldom on sale in South Africa and I was doomed to a Sea Monkey-less, Twinkieless childhood. 

Fast forward a couple of decades and here I am, living in London, earning a crust and entertaining myself by blogging about food.  As I’ve mentioned before, one of the great things about food blogging is the fabulous folk you meet – and they don’t come much more fabulous than Moira.  Although Moira and I had corresponded since sometime in 2004, we only finally met up last year for the London food bloggers’ salt and butter tasting – and Moira arrived bearing gifts! As a military wife, she had access to a store on the base that stocks all manner of American goodies and man, she had gone to town!  I think I’ve already mentioned the peanut butter chips and the chocolates, but she also bought an array of Hostess products for that all-American experience -  and to finally give me a taste of the stuff I craved so much in childhood.  Here’s what she brought:

SUZY Q’s

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These are described as "chocolate cake layers with a creamy filling" – and they do exactly what it says on the box.  The package contains two squares about 8cmx4cm of dark, moist and not objectionable chocolate cake, sandwiched with tooth-achingly sweet and artificial-tasting cream filling.  Rest assured, no actual cream has ever been anywhere near this concoction, but I suspect it has an impressive array of E-numbers to its name ;-) To be honest, it doesn’t taste too bad – the sweetness of the filling is somewhat offset by the cake.  Of course, you’d have to close your eyes and not think of the ingredients (I don’t think "organic" or "natural" features much), but then if you’re eating Suzy Qs, you’re not doing it for your health!

HO HOs

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These are described on the package as being "chocolate cake filled with creamy filling", but a more accurate description would be chocolate mini-Swiss rolls coated in chocolate.  They also come in a 2-pack and are probably also about 8cm long.  The cake component is somehow not as dark or as moist as the Suzy Qs and not as nice.  It also does less to counterat the filling, which is the same saccharine white goo as used in the Suzy Qs.  And the problem with coating any Swiss rolls with chocolate is that… it falls off at the slightest tap! As you can see in the photo, large chunks of my pack’s chocolate coating had not survived the journey from America and struggled even more once I cut into the cakes.  This makes for a rather messy eating experience!  Overall, I didn’t much like these.  The chocolate was grainy and awful, the cake not as good as the Suzy Qs and the filling… well, enough said.  For me, it’s a "No, no!" to more Ho Hos!

HOSTESS CUPCAKES

20070128_cupcakepackage 20070128_cupcake_1

Again, this is described as "chocolate cake with a creamy filling", but they neglect to add that there is a solid slab of icing on top too, which sets these apart (visually and taste-wise) from Suzy Qs).  Apparently, the spiral of white icing on the top of a Hostess cupcake is an identifying feature as distinctive as the Coca-Cola contour bottle – who would have known!  Taste-wise, I found these had more in common with Suzy Qs than with Ho Hos.  The cake was dark and moist and not too bad, with a blob of the usual creamy filling somewhere in the lower third of the cupcake.  But what put me off was the icing.  For a start, it looked like a thick silicone mat that had been cut to size and plonked on top of each cupcake – you could peel the icing off whole! And it was sweet enough to make my jaw ache which is never exactly a recommendation in a cupcake.  So on a balance, I don’t think I’ll really be having more of those either.

TWINKIES

20070128_twinkiepackage 20070128_twinkie

And last but not least, we get to the confection that I first lusted after:  the Twinkie.  THis is described as "golden sponge cake with a creamy filling", and you can’t deny, looking at the pictures that it is sponge and it is indeed golden!  As for the filling – good grief, there must be a gigantic vat of this all-non-natural-ingredients white stuff brewing all the time at the Hostess factory! It just shows up everywhere…  Of all the products I tried, this has the greatest ratio of filling to cake, so if you like the filling, go to Twinkies.  The cake is… well, it’s plain sponge, no more no less, and the filling is white and sweet.  But somehow I have to admit there is something compelling about the little buggers.  It’s rather like KFC – you know how bad it is for you, and yet… you can see the attraction.  Maybe it’s the fact that they come in neat little fingers, maybe it’s the soothing pale palette, maybe the yielding texture when you bite into them.  Who knows.  Maybe it’s my unfulfilled childhood cravings clouding my judgement.  In any event, if I were to buy any of these again (and this is a big if!!), it would probably be Twinkies. 

And to finish, I will leave you with two esoteric pieces of information.  Firstly, do you know there is a host of recipes for desserts using Hostess baked products – up to and including Twinkie sushi?  Secondly, rumour has it that Twinkies contain so many preservatives and so few natural ingredients that they will survive a nuclear war.

So if you survive the blast, be sure to look out for giant cockroaches snacking on pristine Twinkies.

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

herschelian February 7, 2007 at 11:48 am

Richie Rich – boy that takes me back! remember Caspar the Friendly Ghost?
Why did all those American treats seem so appealing…I yearned for an Oreo cookie, but when I actually ate one a few years ago I really was totally underwhelmed – give me a good old Gypsy Cream any day! My other great disappointment was Hershey Kisses, so sweet, so not what I want chocolate to be.

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johanna February 7, 2007 at 1:47 pm

well, now, i know i can’t compete with Moira who really is a larger than life character i fell instantly in love with (in a purely platonic way!), but those hohos remind me very much of a chocolate roll Milka launched – sadly only as late as my teenage years where i was already aware of calories and othe nasty things you wish you’d never been introduced to! when we go to austria in the summer, we can have a little taste-off ;-)

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David February 7, 2007 at 8:11 pm

Hmm. I was doing my daily online search for ‘phallic chiles’ and your site came up. Then I saw all the other goodies and now, instead of craving a rendez-vous with a spicy spike, I’m lookin’ for some of that tasty cream fillin’!

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Susan from Food "Blogga" February 8, 2007 at 1:06 am

What a delightful post, Jeanne! Oh, how I loved Funny Bones–chocolate cakes filled with a peanut butter cream and dipped in chocolate. Did you ever have these?
P.S. I feel terrible–more than one of my comments on your prior posts aren’t there! Perhaps I goofed on something. In case you didn’t get this– thank you so much for the chef recommends spotlight. I really appreciate it.

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Catherine February 8, 2007 at 9:01 pm

What a great, evocative post! Sea monkeys – I can claim to have owned some (brine shrimps), but no, they didn’t wear clothes or have their own furniture, and nor were they friendly and delightful! The other back page delight I remember from the Archie comics was Popsicles (with variants of’Cremesicles’ and ‘Dreamsicles’ I think). Guess I might let those remain a happy illusion!

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ilingc February 9, 2007 at 6:41 am

Wow! You’ve done well eating through all that cream ;)
I’ve never had any of the above though I have often wondered what twinkies and sea monkeys were.

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Marieke February 9, 2007 at 6:27 pm

My husband and I always wondered what twinkies looked like. We used to watch the comedy Friends and in one of the episodes there is this sentence ‘Richard has a twinkie in the city’. We knew it was some sort of cookie or cake, but we didn’t know people also use it to indicate someone has an affair…
Thanks for showing the twinkies

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Elle February 10, 2007 at 7:20 am

Since I had the dubious privilege of being able to eat all of those Hostess foods as a kid, I have to tell you that the Suzy Qs were about the only one I could take. Twinkies are O.K., but bland and I like chocolate. Sometimes I tried to just eat the cake part of the Suzy Qs. You didn’t really miss much.
Speaking of Twinkies, have you heard of the Twinkie defense use by the guy who murdered Harvey Milk and Mayor Moscone of San Francisco in the late 70s? Reading about all that white goo almost makes the ‘defense’ make sense.

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Fahara February 10, 2007 at 4:34 pm

Coolness! I bought ‘Sea Monkeys’ from a Joke Catalogue once – they must’ve died in transit cos when I tipped the satchet into my little sea-monkey-aquarium all I got was dirty water :(

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Sarah Pippilini February 10, 2007 at 6:25 pm

Ah, what nostalgia! This spurred a meandering in my minds-eye back to the time when I had my first twinkie…I was 14. In the very same locker room you so fondly recall. That golden sponge, that luscious cream filling…One bite was definitely enough to send me into ecstacy!
Oh what heady delights!!!

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ExAfrica February 12, 2007 at 1:38 am

Reminds me of my youth…heaven.
Mind you it was the Suzy Q’s that turned me into a very chubby (fat) teenager. T’was all worth it.
It’s been 20 years since I’ve had one – I’m reminded through the email inviting me to my 20th (!!!) reunion of high school. Think I’ll hit the shelves tomorrow and have a nibble.
Twinkies – oh well, mother used to send me Twinkies Cupcakes (like a combination of the two – incredibly sweet and with a shelf-life of 30 odd years) when I was in S.A. Rather she sent them along for the child, though, young as she was, I kept the poisonous sugar from her lips. Had to be, you see. Her teeth will thank me one day.
Now Ho-Ho’s, that’s another one. Not quite as good (or gooey) as a Suzy Q – but worth a bite.
Thank you for a reminiscent post, Sister.

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Ros February 12, 2007 at 4:52 pm

How strange that you and Freya both posted about twinkies this week. I wish I’d had them when I was little. I’m sure they would have actually tasted good, then!

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Craig February 16, 2007 at 2:18 pm

While you are being rude, have a look at this Tomatoe I came across!
http://www.notesfromthecape.com/2007/02/rude_food_what_.html
Craig
ps: Love the new look

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